The holiday season has arrived. While this time of year is reserved to be “merry and bright,” let’s face it — holiday gatherings can be challenging and stressful. Fortunately though, they don’t have to be. Local, mental health experts offer suggestions for managing mental health during holiday gatherings.

Main Line Mental Health Experts

For insights into how to manage stressful family holiday gatherings, we asked the experts. Brittany Webb of Better Minds Counseling Services and Katie Fries of All of You Therapy gave us key insights into ensuring that this holiday season can be a stress free one.

The Stress of Holiday Gatherings 

Both Katie and Brittany agree: the holidays can be very stressful. The holiday family gatherings, in particular, often present the most tensions and stressors.

What makes family holiday gatherings a stressful time?

Katie: Holiday gatherings can be a stressful time for various reasons. We often carry around internalized messages and expectations about the holidays. These drive thoughts about what we are supposed to do and how we are supposed to act. Those thoughts may be in misalignment from what we actually feel or have the capacity for. 

Additionally, there may be expectations to give gifts or make connections with family members who we don’t actually feel a connection with, or with whom we feel we’ve been harmed, or have complicated feelings towards. Reconnecting with family over the holidays can bring us back in touch with challenging emotions, memories, and relationships.

Brittany: The holidays bring up a mix of emotions from joy, nostalgia, and guilt, to overwhelming stress. You may find yourself suddenly in a space with people you may only see a few times a year and everyone’s expectations are sky-high. It’s not that families mean intentional harm, it’s that familiarity triggers old emotional patterns. 

How do stressors affect our mental health during the holidays?

Katie: When our brains neuroceive (a word that means perceiving something below the level of conscious awareness) a lack of safety, we shift into hyperarousal (stress, overwhelm, anxiety) or hypoarousal (shut down, lack of energy, depression). There can be many things that might lead us to feel unsafe at family gatherings.  These include a snide look, sensory overwhelm, or managing numerous demands and expectations. 

The large amounts of stress, pressure, and expectations people experience during holiday gatherings can lead to a smaller “window of tolerance.” This represents the amount of stress we can handle before we flip out.

Brittany: When you’re constantly “on,” managing conversations, or walking on eggshells to avoid tension, your nervous system doesn’t get to rest. Add in travel, disrupted routines (not sleeping in your own bed, no real privacy or downtime), financial pressures, and expectations to be joyful and merry, and you’ve got the perfect recipe for burnout. It’s okay to recognize that the holidays can be both beautiful and emotionally draining at the same time.

Managing Mental Health During Holiday Gatherings

Sometimes a stressful holiday gathering is simply unavoidable. While not the best case scenario, there are ways to ensure it goes OK. 

What are some best practices for managing your mental health during holiday family gatherings? 

Katie: Take time to really reflect on what you want and can do, versus what you feel expected or obligated to do. Practice pausing before saying “yes” or “no” to attending holiday gatherings and ask yourself how much capacity you have. Then imagine how you will feel after attending the gathering and how this may impact other areas of your life. 

I encourage people who want to attend family gatherings, but feel stressed at the idea, to consider the various options of how this can happen. You might say yes to attending a gathering, but state that you will stay at a hotel rather than your relative’s house. Maybe you state that you will be available between certain hours and give yourself permission to leave by a certain time. 

I also tell clients who expect to find themselves overwhelmed during family gatherings to remind themselves that as an adult, they have choices that weren’t available to them as a child. This is especially important since it can be easy to revert back to childhood coping skills and responses, like shutting down or engaging in pointless arguments.

You might consider the following adult coping strategies:

• Remind yourself ahead of time that you can pause and take breaks during a conversation. For example, go to the bathroom and perhaps splash your face with some cold water if you need a break. 
• Practice ways to respond if you find yourself in conversation that could be activating. This might include rehearsing responses to unwanted questions or conversations that feel uncomfortable, such as politics, weight, etc.

If a tense moment should arise, what are the best ways to handle it to ensure everyone stays mentally OK?

Brittany: Take a breath before reacting. It sounds simple, however, in heated moments, your body goes into defense mode, and you lose clarity. If you can, step away: get a glass of water, go outside, or even help in the kitchen. 

A great app I recommend is “iBreathe,” which prompts you through taking deep breaths. (You can set this up to do deep breaths, even for just one minute). 

I also highly recommend the “How We Feel” app. It is hard to label what we are feeling and this app helps put words to those feelings. If a conflict feels unavoidable, use boundaries like, “I think we see this differently, and that’s okay,” or “let’s pause this before it ruins the day.” You don’t have to fix the moment; you just have to protect your peace during this time.

Expressing Your Emotions

To best ensure a family holiday gathering goes well, make the effort to communicate with honesty and compassion. 

What are some of the best ways to set boundaries with your family during the holidays?

Katie: Be clear and be kind about what your needs and wants are. It’s easy to be disappointed when we expect people to read between the lines, or infer what we want or need. 

Remember that boundaries state what you will do rather than forcing someone else to change their behavior. A boundary may sound like, “I am excited to visit for the holidays, but I will be staying at a local hotel for the night” rather than, “you need to change or else.” 

What are some positive ways to communicate your mental health feelings to family during the holidays?

Brittany: Start with honesty and calm. You don’t have to overexplain or justify how you feel; simple and clear is best. Try saying something like, “I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed lately, so I might take a quick break if things get busy.” Or say, “I love being here, but I also need a little quiet time to recharge.” 

Frame it around what you need instead of what others are doing wrong. This keeps the conversation kind and focused on care, not conflict. And if someone doesn’t get it or pushes back, remind yourself that their understanding isn’t required for you to take care of yourself. You know your limits better than anyone else, and that’s what matters most.

Your Mental Wellness Matters This Holiday Season

Holiday gatherings don’t have to drain you mentally. Set clear boundaries, practice self-care breaks, and remember that protecting your peace is always valid. Use these expert strategies to stay grounded and present with family this season. 

To learn more about Katie and Brittany’s individual practices, visit our mental health resource guide.

Lead photo courtesy of Canva.